Just Hanging Out

Maybe I'm just old, but it really seems like college students today have an incredible array of relationships, differing levels of friendship, and a complexity to their interactions that I didn't have "back in my day." What I mean is that relationships and friendships for students now seem much more gray, and less black and white. One isn't always sure whether the relationship is dating, engaged, just friends, or what it exactly is. Because of this nebulous nature of relating, it is quite common for students to call for the big "DTR" talk (define the relationship) with one another.

One of the reasons for this is the major activity and popularity of "hanging out." Hanging out is typically sitting around with a group of people eating, watching movies, drinking, doing bible study, even studying. Its doing just about anything, but doing it together with others. Instead of dating, meetings between students often take place in a group, just hanging out. So, not a lot of definition takes place between two different people in the group. They aren't always sure of whether a relationship is casual, serious, or something in between, where a friendship stands or how to relate and interact with others. Few students seem to know when a relationship is romantic or not, or if it is an "open" relationship where two people are seeing other people. If this all seems kind of confusing, you are getting the point.

The DTR talk, in an attempt to settle the status of the relationship, rarely seems to work well. So, many students just go along and try to make the best of it by trying to figure out what is going on. Here is an opportunity for ministry, for we can help a student make sense of the nature of relationships. One of the things we can do is to really understand the reality of student relations. I often just "hang out" with students myself, with no agenda other than just being with them. The local Perkins restaurant in my town is at its busiest at midnight; it is filled with college students just hanging out. There are places in every college town where students go, especially the bar scene. Bars aren't just places to drink, but are locations of conviviality where students have the chance to be around one another in a kind of secular church where fellowship happens, looking for a chance to relate to the opposite sex. Students, like everyone else, desire intimacy and knowing that someone else cares about them. However illegitimately they might pursue this, the inner affection is very real, and very much a need.

One of the best ways to minister to students as a church or a ministry is to communicate to them that we "have their back", that we care, love, and like them. No one can sniff out a disingenuous attitude quite like a college student, so it has to be an authentic desire to be around students. Also, this does not mean we have to pretend to be like a college student. Instead, one of the greatest needs a student has is to be in a mentoring relationship with someone older and wiser who can help them navigate life and bring some sort of definition to relationships that they lack. There is also, then, an equal need for adults to be trained in how to be a mentor to a student. Maybe they could learn to "hang out" with students and find individuals for whom they can build a solid one on one relationship with. If students can have such relationships with adults now, it will serve them well once they leave school.

So, how about just hanging out with students sometime? Consider having your own redeemed version of the DTR talk with some of them, and lead by example in how to relate with others. Be a mentor, and walk alongside another with love, grace, and wisdom. If you were a missionary in a country of college students, this is what you would do... oh, wait, we already are in a country of 17 million college students, and we are the missionaries. Let's do the work of entering into their lives!